Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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