Sry I called you an 8
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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