she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
