Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish you could order shots online.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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