Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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