i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
