i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
