Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
