Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
