Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
