I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
