hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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