dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
