So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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