I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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