im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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