I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
