I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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