i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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