So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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