I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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