Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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