I'm jealous of your bromance
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
