my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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