??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
