I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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