i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
whose parrot is this?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
