Sponge bath it is.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
