Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
