Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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