I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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