I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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