ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
