if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
