but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize