end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
