Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
