Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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