no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
