I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
