I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
