dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
