I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
