You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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