I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
