She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
