Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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