thus making me awesome and them whores
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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