Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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