I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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