Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
