his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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