no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
