he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What drink are we having for lunch?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize