you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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